


Selfish

by My_Coffee_Is_Hot_Chocolate



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Falling In Love, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Stuff happened man, THEY AIN'T HAPPY, save my sons, these boys, they deserve to be happy, welp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-08-16 23:59:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16505252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Coffee_Is_Hot_Chocolate/pseuds/My_Coffee_Is_Hot_Chocolate
Summary: Finch's progression from asshole to maybe someone who can hold a relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

Finch took a shuddering breath, leaning over the sink. ‘Calm down, you can’t let anyone know anything’s up.’ He couldn’t, no one knew. He was supposed to be one of the tough guys, the strong ones. The ones who could show no emotion. The ones who would probably ever get love. Not that Finch deserved love. But he wanted it, badly.

Finch had fought his way up, punching and kicking until he was the best shot in Manhattan and feared by Harlem and Queens. He had to be tough, really tough. No weaknesses, none that anyone could exploit.  
Which was part of why no one knew about Tommy. Who he had a friends-with-benifits thing with and he was determined for it to never become more.

Finch was a cold hard asshole to everyone. Cynical, pessimistic, and quick to fight. He’d been this for so long that he stopped knowing where the mask ended and where he began. He had become his mask, in a way. 

‘I’m never gonna be anything more.’

Finch wasn’t made of stone. He had feelings, he could be vulnerable. But he could NOT show that to anyone else. If they knew he was finished. He’d be killed on sight.

Finch had his fair share of issues. Being fairly sure no one could ever love him was one of them. 

“Finch is a cold stone hard dick, you outta avoid 'im.” The warning for new Newsies. Often overheard by Finch. It wasn't a good thing anymore. Maybe it was, Finch didn't know anymore.

Just keep going, don't let anyone get to you. That was what Finch told himself. A man of metal.

“Just… Sometimes I feel like no one's ever gonna love me.” Tommy mumbled into Finch's shoulder while he thought Finch was asleep. “Like you're never gonna love me back. The real you, the snarky and funny and sweet you. Not the iorn hearted one.”

Finch didn't show any reaction. What was he supposed to do? Get up and leave? He could live with the knowledge Tommy loved him. It's not like Finch loved him back. 

What worried Finch was that he knew those things and had picked out the difference between the mask and Finch better then Finch could.

Finch tried really hard to avoid everyone. He never committed, never came when called. He did his own thing. Most of all he avoided Tommy.

One day JoJo cornered him. JoJo had known Finch before the mask. Which was why he had been pushed away.

“Look all I’m askin’ is that you two stop looking longingly at each other.”

“We don't-”

“You do. Now take the fuck care of it.”

Finch figured that Tommy had opened him up enough. And he was the kind of person you risked things for.  
“I kinda act like a jerk so no one kills me.” Finch mumbled.

Tommy blinked. “That's what you dragged me out here for? No one's gonna kill you! Less people will want to kill you even! I thought you'd..” He stops himself and curses loudly.

“What, that I knew? That you think you love me?” Finch asked coldly. He didn't want to say it like that. It was a knee jerk reaction. He was scared. 

Because he did love Tommy. But the last thing he wanted was to be hurt. 

Tommy's face fell. “You- you were awake? And…” His voice broke. And so did Finch's heart. He hated hearing Tommy like that.

“It's not like we could ever really be together. They’d kill us both. It's safer for you to stay away from me.” 'For your own sake stay away.’

Tommy hadn't spoken to him in weeks. He always looked at him, so sad. It shattered Finch, but he forced himself to hold out. It was like getting off a drug, he had to distract himself. He couldn't go back. It was so no one got hurt, he told himself.

'But it's hurting you and it's hurting him.’ His mind pointed out.

He held out for three weeks.

Finch faced Tommy exactly three weeks, two days and four hours after they broke off whatever they had had.  
“Hey.” Finch said, sitting down on the same couch as him. 

Tommy looked a little pissed, but mostly he just looked sad. “If you want a blow or something just ask someone else.” He growled, trying to act tougher then he was. Tommy could be a asshole to. 

Finch looked down. “It's not that.” He said softly. 

Tommy looked up at him, with that sad look in his eyes. “'m sorry Finch. I… I'm with Albert now..”

Finch was sure that his so called iorn heart shattered like glass. He didn't hear Tommy try to apologize, he barely registered walking upstairs to his bunk. 

He spent days in his haze. He knew he shouldn't feel like this. He'd missed his chance, Albert had gotten Tommy before Finch could. 

That didn't put his heart back together.

For a while at least. 

The first time he felt alert in weeks, he shoved past Tommy in the hallway. Tommy always tried to talk to Finch. He tried to tell him that he and Albert agreed they both liked other people. He tried to say he was there, just as in love with Finch -the real Finch- as he had been. 

Finch shoved past him in the hall every morning when Tommy tried to get Finch to talk. 

After almost a week, Jojo interviened again. He grabbed Finch and pulled him aside one morning. “Will you stop?!”

Finch glared at him. “The hell are you talking about?”

Jojo crossed his arms. “Ignoring Tommy. He's been trying to apologize for weeks now, and you're ignoring him and he'll just keep trying. Do you get off on hearing him beg or something?”

Finch balled his fists. “He's with Albert, isn't he? Why does he care 'bout me?”

Jojo grabbed his shoulders and shook him a little. “They broke up!”

Finch blinked once, twice, and then disappeared to find Tommy. He may not deserve his love, but Finch had always been selfish. 

He snatched Tommy out of the morning rush into a empty bunk room. He kept his hands on Tommy's shoulders, half needing the support and half wanting to make sure Tommy didn't disappear. 

Tommy looked Finch in the eyes and gently cupped his face. “Is this what you want?”

Finch nodded. And Tommy kissed him gently, soft and sweet. Loving. Foreign but amazing. 

Jack and Crutchie accidentally saw though the door.

“They're both desperate for love.” Jack said sadly. 

Crutchie nodded. “Either they won't last, or they'll change. Maybe they'll be good for each other.”

Jack smiled a little. “Maybe. I hope they do.”


	2. Finch.. Is kinda an ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So they're fighting, and it gets personal and graphic. Sooooo yha.

Shouting. 

Finch wasn't sure what they were fighting about anymore, only that it had gotten personal fast. Shouted words thrown in anger. 

“You're such a good damn asshole!!” Tommy threw, words like bullets.

“You're such a fuck up!” Finch snarled, fully intending for it to hurt. 

“I don't even know why I love you, all you ever do is have sex and fight me about the smallest things!” Tommy's fists were clenched, but Finch knew he wouldn't use them.

“You're too much of a coward to throw a punch.” Finch hissed. 

He didn't register the punch until a second after. He carefully brought a hand up to his eye and winced. Was it bad? He was so focused on the damage, he didn't see Tommy walk out until the door slammed behind him. Leaving Finch by himself in the empty room. 

Finch tried to remember what they'd been arguing about. He couldn't remember, probably about something small. Why had they both blown up like that?  
Finch had the sinking feeling it was his fault. He should go apologize for starting and probably escalating the fight. They both hated big fights, but they were also both allergic to talking things out. They had to do something about that. 

So he searched for Tommy. All around the lodging house, outside, he even tried talking to the others. And while they noticed that he'd softened up while with Tommy, they still didn't like him or that he was with Tommy. Finch couldn't understand why.

Jack brushed him off. Crutchie told him to fuck off. Race was probably in Brooklyn. Jojo ignored him and everyone else made themselves scarce. 

Finch only grew more worried, so he tried to track down the one other person who may know where Tommy was. Albert. 

Albert was a challenge. Finch eventually found him in the attic. That also solved his quest to find Tommy Boy. They were together in the attic. Albert had Tommy curled into his chest, fast asleep. He didn't seem pleased when Finch appeared, though he appeared a little sympathetic to his black eye. “Why are you here Cortes?”

Finch flinched at the use of his last name, but he brushed it off. “Is he okay?” Tommy was his priority right now. 

Albert shook his head, shooting Finch and accusatory glare before going back to cradling Tommy. For some reason, that made Finch angry. 

“Give him to me, I'll take care of him.” He said harshly. He stepped closer, ready to grab Tommy and pick him up. 

Albert held Tommy closer. “No. You have been nothing but toxic since you two got together. And I can't watch him cry after any more fights.” He had Tommy positioned protectively, and he wasn't going to let go. 

Finch couldn't grasp why. Yha Tommy cried, so did he. The arguments got bad. But they always made up. Every single time. Why would this time be any different? 

But Albert wasn't letting go. So Finch would have to make him.

Finch stepped closer. Albert finally lay Tommy down, but before Finch could get close enough to pick him up Albert was standing. Finch was confused until it hit him. Albert wanted Tommy back.

Finch fisted his hands. “You really wanna do this DaSilva?” He would fight to keep Tommy if that's what it took. The love he gave was too precious to Finch to lose. Albert stood his ground.

“We're doing this Cortes.” Albert moved to another side of the attic, so he wouldn't trip over Tommy. And the fight started with Finch throwing a punch.

The fight itself was a blur. Punches in slow motion but he could barely register them, much less react. All Finch knew for sure was that it was him eating wood at the end of it. He'd lost, and bad. He would lose Tommy to. His nose was gushing like a faucet, he was pretty sure his face was a pin cushion worthy of Buttons, and he couldn’t feel a couple fingers.

By the time he managed to sit up, Albert and Tommy were gone. Blood caked one side of his face, and he had a feeling he’d have to set his fingers. He seriously doubted anyone would help.

He had no one now, just like before.

Unfortunately for that plan, (Being alone and staying that way) Jojo came up. Pissed off, as per usual. “For God’s sake Finch.” He hissed. Finch was still on the floor, and took the chance to look up and glare. 

Jojo rolled his eyes and hauled him up by the back of his shirt. “DaSilvia did a number on you. C’mon, I bribed Buttons into helping clean you up.” And without consulting Finch, the much taller boy dragged him downstairs like Finch was a disobedient puppy. 

Finch was forced to let himself be dragged. He focused on keeping his broken fingers from shifting around and getting more messed up.

Jojo was not gentle with him as they walked downstairs. Finch was probably in a very embarrassing position, but he didn’t care much. He just wanted this all over with so that he could be alone. Alone was safe, alone was where no one could stop the probably self-destructive things he wanted to do. No one to stop him from leaving the house, much like when he’d left his home. 

Why should he stay anymore?


	3. Chapter 3

When they got downstairs, Buttons sized him up. He, as per usual, summed up the entire situation in a few words. “Someone was pissed at you, huh?” He got to work on Finch while Jojo paced.

“So you and Tommy got into ANOTHER fight- Do you do anything else?- and then you looked for him. And he was with Albert, and you two fought over him. Oh my God I live with CHILDREN!! Not you Buttons, we’re the adults.”

Buttons grunted and went back to mercilessly pulling splinters out of Finch. 

Jojo continued. “And I can’t blame him. I want to punch you, I just might. Buttons, is he okay to be punched? He needs to be punched.”

“I was punched.” Finch mumbled. “Tommy punched me.”

Jojo sniffed. “Good for Tommy. And I’m not fixing it this time. You fix your own damn mess Cortes. Now, do you need a hug? And you bet your goddamned ass I’m not leaving you alone. I know you. You’re gonna somethin’ stupid.”

Buttons chuckled and yanked a bigger splinter out of Finch’s cheek. 

“So stay right there. Buttons, I’ll get you more bread.” Jojo stormed off to find something. Leaving Buttons and Finch alone. Buttons was anything but gentle with him, not like Finch was reacting. He was lost in his thoughts. He’d lost Tommy, probably forever. 

He was gone, and now who else would ever love him?  
He winced when Buttons pulled out the last splinter. Buttons didn’t say anything. He finished patching Finch up and sat next to him in silence. 

Finch planned out his escape options in his head. Fire escape, front door, roof, there were options. He just didn’t know which to go with. Assuming he could get away from Jojo, he had better eyes than a guard at the Refuge. 

So it was probable he was trapped for now. 

Jojo came back with a loaf of bread and a blanket a few minutes later. He wrapped the blanket around Finch and gave Buttons the loaf. He nodded, and disappeared in the weird way only Buttons could. One moment he was there, the next he was gone. 

Jojo sat next to Finch and hugged him tightly. “You’re a dumbass y’know. But you’re also my idiot friend, so I’m obligated to keep you from dying.” As he talked, he helped Finch up with the plan of getting him to bed. Jojo was staying next to him at all costs, he knew Finch too well.

He’d seen what Finch did to himself when left alone. There were scars that Jojo knew of, and probably more he didn’t. He was extremely self destructive, something only Jojo knew about. Which may have been why Finch pushed him away, Jojo didn’t put up with his shit and made him take care of himself. 

Well, now Jojo wasn’t going to leave him alone. He would be a like a tick, and he wasn’t coming off. He was a stubborn person. He and Finch were pretty close, when they were kids. Finch’s parents had hit him black and blue, and the way Jojo was raised left him flinching at raised hands and voices. They’d banded together, and.. Jojo had fallen in love. With the person Finch used to be.

This wasn’t Finch now though. This Finch wasn’t the Finch he’d fallen in love with. Finch was mean and cruel. But maybe he could get through to him. Maybe Tommy had put up with Finch’s bullshit, but Jojo wouldn’t. 

He wanted his best friend back, most of all. 

Finch, meanwhile, wanted nothing to do with Jojo. He knew Jojo would want him to revert. He had built up his walls, and he refused to lower them.

Especially not Jojo. It had taken Tommy to lower them even a little. He refused to do so for Jojo. He wasn’t Tommy, and most of all he wanted Tommy. 

Finch spent half the night lost in his mind. Jojo stayed awake, quietly talking to him. Trying to get him to respond. Finch half ignored him, half payed attention. 

The half of Finch that had a will to live listened. That part had gotten him out of the place he’d called home. That part had kept him alive until he was 16. And now it was latching onto Jojo’s words. He was saying such gentle, caring things. He was ranting about his stupidity, and admitting that maybe his friend could be saved. And a few quiet words of grief for the friend he’d lost.

The part of Finch that wanted to stay alive listened and tried to believe him. 

The part that didn’t want to stay alive blocked out Jojo’s words. That part mourned for the loss of the one person who’d loved him while blissfully ignoring the person right in front of him. He wanted Tommy, more than anything. Tommy had given him the love he’d been so desperate for.

And maybe he hadn’t given back enough. And that was why Albert was chosen over him. Albert gave Tommy the love in return, and Finch hadn’t. To get him back, he’d have to show the love. But it was to late. He’d lost him, and there was no more point in trying to get him back. Right? So what was the point of trying.

He tried to fake falling asleep. If Jojo thought he was asleep, then he’d have free rain to leave. But, Jojo never did the thing he did when he was going to sleep. A couple words of nonsense, then fluffing the blanket. 

Maybe he didn’t even do it anymore. It’d been years since they’d shared a bed. Maybe he was asleep. 

Finch decided to risk it. He sat up, only for Jojo to pull him back down. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

So he wasn’t asleep. Good to know. 

Finch was left stuck in a prison partially of his own making.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been sitting for.... A while.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at.... 12? Last night? It's 6:40 right now. Anyway I wrote this with the song 'I am not a robot' in mind. Look it up, it's pretty good!


End file.
